The Secret Keeper
by DizzyDrea
Summary: She's got secrets to keep, and miles to go before she sleeps.


Title: The Secret Keeper  
>Author: DizzyDrea<br>Summary: She's got secrets to keep, and miles to go before she sleeps.  
>Rating: T<br>Spoilers: 2.24 Familia and 3.1 Lange, H.  
>Author's Notes: I was intrigued by the confrontation between Hetty and Callen at the end of the season premier, and I wanted to write something about it but I couldn't decide whether to write it from Hetty's point of view or Callen's. I didn't really want to write two different stories, and then I hit upon the idea of combining the two stories into one. It's a little weird, and not my usual style. And it's angsty as all get-out, which is definitely not my style. But, I looked at it as a challenge and went for it. I hope it works. The summary is a play on the closing stanza of "Stopping By Woods on a Snowing Evening" by Robert Frost.<br>Disclaimer: NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles and all its particulars are the property of CBS, Paramount, Donald P. Bellisario, Belisarius Productions, Shane Brennan, Shane Brennan Productions, and a lot of other people who aren't me. I am doing this for fun and for practice. Mostly for fun.

~&O&~

_She leans back, letting out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Hetty Lange isn't one to feel fear, but for just a moment, she'd been afraid Callen would call her bluff._

_She knows it's irrational, fearing him. She's lived a long life, seen things that would turn an ordinary person's stomach. Fear doesn't enter into her personal equation. But she'd been honestly afraid Callen had seen through her._

_She's tired, so very tired now. But no matter how tired she is, she can't give up, give in. It would mean forsaking the vow she made so many years ago, and she can't do that, no matter how much she may want to._

~o~

G Callen stalked past the bullpen, blowing by his teammates and their questioning gazes, taking the stairs two at a time in his haste. He charged around the corner, barely noticing the people dodging out of his way as he headed straight for the weapons lock-up.

Once inside he unholstered his gun and set about pulling it apart. Movement near the door caused him to glance up briefly.

"You okay, G?"

"Leave it alone, Sam," Callen ground out as he systematically disassembled his gun.

"See, now I know there's something wrong," Sam said, moving into the room to stand across the table from his friend.

Callen sighed, stilling his hands. Figured it would have to be Sam Hannah to come after him. Marty Deeks was a cop, but despite that, Callen could have just intimidated him out of the room. And Kensi Blye was so sweet and understanding that he could have just bluffed his way past. But Sam was another story. He was like a dog on a bone sometimes, and Callen knew he could only fight it so long.

He sighed again as he resumed pulling apart his gun. "I went to see Hetty."

Sam nodded. "And how is she doing? She say when she's coming back?"

"I didn't ask," Callen said.

"Then why'd you go see her?"

Callen's head popped up, spearing Sam with an icy glare. "You know why I had to see her."

~o~

_Her gaze falls on the briefcase sitting on the table next to her tea. She reaches out a trembling hand to caress the black metal._

_So many secrets. So many lies. Secrets she's kept, lies she's told._

_She tells herself that she had no choice. She had to keep the truth from Callen all these years. She tells herself that it's for his own good, but sometimes she wonders if it's really him she's protecting._

_She knows that she didn't know everything. Alexa Comescu filled in so many blanks that she herself hadn't been able to. But that doesn't change the fact that she's kept even what information she has to herself all these years._

~o~

"No, G, I don't," Sam said, exasperated. "Why don't you tell me? Do you even know?"

Callen's eyes skittered away before locking once more on his friend. He couldn't keep the hurt from his voice as he spoke. "She lied to me, Sam. She knows who I am, and she won't tell me."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do," Callen insisted. "She had Nell bring her an envelope. 'To be delivered to G Callen in the event of my death.' She's like some god damned self-appointed secret-keeper."

"So, your life is a Harry Potter novel, now?" Sam joked.

"My life isn't some fictional story where everyone lives happily ever after," Callen said, slamming his fist on the table, temper flaring. "It's my life. My. Life. What gives her the right to decide what I know and what I don't get to know?"

~o~

_He was so young when she made her vow. He couldn't protect himself then, so she made it her life mission to do it for him. But he's an adult now, and fully able to protect himself. She knows he's an accomplished agent, fully firearms qualified and trained in hand-to-hand combat, not to mention being an accomplished Special Agent._

_But it isn't the physical damage she needs to protect him from anymore. What she knows could hurt him, but she fears the wounds that don't show more than the ones that do._

_He's so desperate to know anything about his past, about the family he can't remember, that she knows he'll do anything he needs to in order to obtain that knowledge. It's a dangerous place to be. It's his Achilles heel, and she's not sure he even realizes it._

_But she does, and that's why she continues to protect him: because he gets so lost in the search, lost in the need to understand, that he forgets to watch his back. And it scares her that one day, he'll be hurt because he loses focus at the wrong moment._

~o~

"You want to know what your problem is, G?" Sam asked.

"No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me anyway."

"All you can see are the holes," Sam said. "All you can see are the blank spaces in your life, and you're so desperate to fill in those empty places that you'll do anything—_anything_—to make that happen. And none of us can stop you. We can't even slow you down when you're determined to find the truth."

"That's all I'm asking for, Sam," Callen shot back, getting angrier by the moment. "All I want is the truth. Are you telling me I'm not entitled to that?"

"No, I'm not saying that," Sam said calmly. "What I am saying is that maybe you just need to trust us. Trust Hetty. We're your friends, G. And all we want to do is help you, but you won't let us."

~o~

_She asked him if he trusted her, and it didn't escape her notice that he didn't answer her. And that's the bottom line. She doesn't know if he trusts her anymore. She couldn't blame him, not really. She'd have a hard time trusting herself, given what's passed._

_But he didn't take the envelope with him when he left, either. He trusted her enough to allow her her secrets. He only left with a promise that he would eventually find out the truth._

_She has no doubt that, one day, he will have all the knowledge he seeks. He's the most persistent person she knows. If he wants something, she has no doubt that he'll get it, eventually. But at what cost?_

_The thing she fears more than any other is that, in his quest to find the truth about his past, someone he truly cares for will be hurt, killed. She knows that Sam and Kensi—and even Deeks, though she wonders sometimes—know how to protect themselves. They have each others' backs. They proved that in Romania. But even the best operative can be caught unawares, and she fears that one day, one of them will pay the ultimate price for helping Callen._

~o~

"You went to Romania with me," Callen pointed out. He'd never have asked them to go, to risk their lives the way they did. He was glad they did, glad that he didn't have to face it all alone.

"Yes, we did," Sam said. "But we didn't give you much of a choice."

"Neither did Hetty," Callen said. His expression hardened as he set about reassembling his gun.

"Did it ever occur to you that she knows something you don't? That knowing what she knows could get you killed?"

Callen looked Sam in the eyes, trying to figure out whose side he was really on. He shook his head at the paranoid path his thoughts had taken.

"She can't protect me forever," he said. "They came after me once, they'll do it again. And if I don't know what I need to know, I might not be so lucky next time."

~o~

_She sighs and thinks that maybe it's time to give up the game, give up her secrets. She's made mistakes along the way, mistakes that should have cost her more dearly than they have. She's been lucky, she knows that too well. But this is a game for the young. Her time is long past._

_Still, she knows that her job isn't quite done. There are still enemies out there. The Comescu's are still out there, somewhere. They didn't all die in that house. And one day, they will come for Callen again. Can she really walk away, knowing the job isn't finished?_

_The answer is obvious, and easy. She can't, won't, walk away before her job is done. No matter how tired she is, no matter that she worries her luck is running out._

_No matter that Callen may not trust her the way he used to._

_She still has a job to do. A vow to honor. It isn't the life she thought she'd have, but it's the life she is living._

_She only hopes that when it comes time to give it up, she has the strength to do what she knows she must. She owes his family that much._

~o~

"So you're gonna go behind Hetty's back to get what you need?"

"I'm going to do whatever I need to in order to protect myself," Callen said. Gun assembled, he slammed the magazine home and pulled back on the slide, chambering a round. "You can either back me up or get out of my way."

And with that, he holstered his gun and turned to walk from the room. Sam's hand shot out, grabbing his bicep, stopping him in his tracks. Sam's eyes locked on to his, and Callen knew he was looking for a hole, a chink, something to tell him that Callen wasn't going to go rogue on this.

"You're my partner, my friend, G," he said, squeezing his arm. "I'll always have your back."

Callen nodded as Sam let go, then strode from the room. He hoped his friend wouldn't come to regret that choice. He didn't want anyone to have to choose between him and Hetty. He didn't want anyone to die because of him.

But he wasn't going to give up, either. Not until he knew everything. With or without Hetty's help.

~o~

_She reaches out for her tea, cooler now since she's been sitting with her thoughts her only company._

_She's right back where she started from, only now she has a choice to make. She can choose to help Callen in small ways, steer him in the right direction without giving away more than he should know._

_Or she can continue to hide the truth from him and hope he doesn't find out until long after she's gone._

_She smiles. Of course, she'll help him. She always has. What little he knows about his life he's collected from clues she's left him. Just enough to satisfy his curiosity without putting him in danger. It's the only way she has now to keep him safe._

_And she'll use every trick and tool in her arsenal to protect him. She is his Secret Keeper, after all._

~Finis


End file.
